Mojonier road

Mojonier road,  missed a turn ended up on another route. Hey I remember!  Blistered past the road I used to wait for the bus.  Looked back on satillite imagery.  Looks like the college place house is fine but the barn remains.  New roads neighbors changed and RR tracks removed. 

Still good to have a memory returned.

More so than knowing your family Heritage knowing one’s own past is good.  Moved so many times, seems like shedding a skin and growing into a new one each place.

SOME OF THESE PHRASES MAY BE APPROPRIATE DURING YOUR DAY

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.

15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
18. Are you such a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
19. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
20. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
21. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
22. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
23. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
24. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
25. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
26. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
27. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
28. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
29. Do I look like a fucking people person?

Gaslighting – Hate to admit ones defeat

Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted

Gaslighting, yeah such an odd term, read the article it covers some of that.

I know I am smart, people tell me that all the time.  I seem to be likable too.  But for an odd reason all I can conclude is that they want something, I must be on my guard to not just be taken advantage of.

Always been on my guard with myself because people always used my weirdness to have reason to beat me up, or some other abuse.  For longest time hung out with the stoners, because they were the most open and receptive.  And they would offer drugs, as a courtesy, but if you said no, they didn’t bother offering again.   Now the jocks, you HAD to do the drugs or they would not be kind with you.  huh, so much different from the propaganda.

I discovered this term,Gaslighting, recently, and it hurts and really opens my eyes to what was going on and why I still react to things the way I do.

Deep down I KNOW why I react, and hate it, I hate my self, and I feel weak I could not combat this and get through it.  Part of that may stem from growing up with alcoholics, they were not abusive, but I could change my tune to fit the dance as it were to keep a low profile.  Maybe there was reason to be aware of some inherent danger so I kept my head low and kept moving.

Did that lead to me being easier to Gaslight?  I don’t know, but maybe because I wanted to maintain status-quot.  What ever, here is an excerpt from the article linked at the top:

“Withholding” is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:1

  • “I’m not listening to that crap again tonight.”
  • “You’re just trying to confuse me.”

Another gaslighting technique is “countering,” where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim’s memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

  • “Think about when you didn’t remember things correctly last time.”
  • “You thought that last time and you were wrong.”

These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:

  • “You see everything in the most negative way.”
  • “Well you obviously never believed in me then.”
  • “You have an overactive imagination.”

“Blocking” and “diverting” are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim’s thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

  • “I’m not going through that again.”
  • “Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”
  • “Quit bitching.”
  • “You’re hurting me on purpose.”

“Trivializing” is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren’t important, such as:

  • “You’re going to let something like that come between us?”

Abusive “forgetting” and “denial” can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,

  • “What are you talking about?”
  • “I don’t have to take this.”
  • “You’re making that up.”

Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their “wrongdoings” and “misperceptions.”

must have focus

so the Holiday season is upon us. Halloween Haunt opens in October, a couple short months away. As usual I feel alone in trying to get people to input fucking ideas in what it is we need to do. I can build stuff but need to learn about stuff I have only read about. And with out narrowing ideas down Oh yea that’s cool, well it is ALL COOL. pick a few!!! and MAYBE jut MAYBE I find time to get all the other ideas built and maybe build one of my own. Rather than cobbling it together at the last minute at greater expense to my self to make the damn things somewhat acceptable.

Pardon My Intrusion -Kaijima

Pardon My Intrusion

KAF/00

* * * * *

We met only for a brief moment
I wonder if you ever knew what you met.
Probably not, though I unsettled you.
Pardon my intrusion.

I only passed you by chance.
We sat on the same bench by coincidence.
You glanced at me and were indifferent.
All things being equal, no threat to you.

Then I spoke and your eyes shifted.
The timber of my voice.
My words struck a chord within you.
No gentle melody, you felt distrust rise inside.

You looked closer.
My clothes were cut a bit different.
The hair spilled over my shoulders.
The cut of it unfamiliar to you.

Oh yes, the fear rose inside you.
Deep down, in the black pit put there,
By your parents, your teachers,
By those you thought where friends.

You think you are clever.
You go on the offensive, to scout me.
Hey there, what is your name?
What is that tooth hanging around your neck?

I say my name.
Your brow furrows at it.
It is a wrong name to you.
A name that no person is supposed to have.

I tell of the tooth I wear.
You chuckle and wink.
Trying to convince me you get the joke.
But in your eyes I see fear.

Fear because my name is no joke.
Nor is the tooth that dangles, taunting.
The thing it comes from cannot be, you think.
I must be one of them.

Oh yes, them.
The many things mother taught you to fear.
The cults, she said. They’re everywhere.
They could be anyone, you know.

Or the wicked pagans.
Or those crazy people who stand in airports.
Maybe someone who talks with Satan even.
Or failing those, just the catchall vermin, a fag.

Maybe daddy told you there were no little people.
No monsters in the closet.
Unicorns, nope. Not a chance.
Not even space aliens.

Not even space aliens?
Come now. Even Mulder believes in them.
But you believe only what is acceptable.
It wouldn’t do to embarrass yourself.

Down the street, the bus draws near.
You eye with with relief, a metal and glass savior.
I give you an odd smile.
You smile back, a little confused, not knowing why.

You head to the bus, not looking back.
I find it amusing that all the things I could be,
The things you could classify me in.
Still don’t even come near the truth.

I send a silent apology after you.
Sorry to intrude into your world.
Sorry to cause discomfort by existing.
I gaze up at the sky, clear blue afternoon.

As I look at all the things most cannot see.
The things playing among the clouds,
The things hiding in every corner down the street,
I think it is ironic really.

So ironic that in truth,
It was not I who intruded into your world.
It was you who intruded into mine.
But sorry just the same.

For which one of us, I can’t say.

* * * * *